Guilt

Something I feel a lot of lately is guilt. Breastfeeding is not going well. In the hospital, Samuel lost too much weight and we had to supplement him with formula. I am adamant about breastfeeding. It is obviously the best for your child and who wouldn't want the best for their children? Despite my determination, it still does not change that my milk supply is horrible. It is apparently due to my PCOS. I also struggled breastfeeding Audrey. I stuck with it for her but in effort to try to boost my supply I would pump for 10-15 minutes after each and every feeding. The little that I would get in those sessions I used to supplement her. One night she was very fussy at the breast so I had Granseur bottle feed her stored breast milk. That night she had 10 oz. and after pumping for 30 minutes while he did that, I only got 2 oz.! Breastfeeding Audrey only lasted about 4 months (my goal was a year) and then I pumped and made sure she had at least a bottle a day until she was 6 months old.

So right now with Samuel and Anderson I am exclusively pumping and bottle feeding them what I can of my breast milk and then supplementing them with formula. I hate it. I feel like I'm not giving them as much of an advantage as I gave Audrey and I know breastfeeding will end much sooner than it did with Audrey as well. I have tried tandem feeding but I will do it for an hour and then they both STILL want about 2 oz. of formula even after that! I have tried breastfeeding one while bottle feeding the other and that went horribly. So right now the thing that seems to work best is me pumping and then bottle feeding both at the same time. Finding time to pump is hard though, too. I pump for 20 minutes but when you include washing time of all the pieces and set up, etc.... the whole thing takes about 30 minutes. Well, I have three kids and one is ALWAYS screaming or needing me for something. It kills me when I'm pumping and Audrey comes up and wants me to read a book to her or one of the babies is crying in the middle of the night and I'm attached to the pump. So if I don't pump, my milk supply will dip even further, but if I do pump someone always seems to be neglected! I really feel torn about what to do and feel major guilt that I can't do everything!

In addition to my frustration with breastfeeding, I also feel badly about not spending as much time with Audrey. The babies take up a lot of my time and I don't have a free hand or anything while I'm feeding them or pumping. Then on the rare occasion that both babies are sleeping at the same time, Granseur will try to take Audrey for me so that I can try to get in a nap. Then I feel guilty for taking a nap because I'm missing out on more time with her! I'm going to try to take over bath time instead of Granseur doing it so I can at least have that time with her or have Granseur take over one evening feeding so I can walk Audrey around outside and play on the swing or something. The only thing that's difficult about that is she LOVES her daddy. I mean really loves him. Whenever we go somewhere and one of us has to run into a store to get something, I'm always the one who goes in because she cries and cries and cries when her daddy leaves, but if I leave, she doesn't really care. So I don't know how that's going to go. She will probably want to stay with daddy and not go out with me.

Anyway...all over I feel guilty. I feel like I'm not able to give enough to all of my children even though I'm trying my hardest....its not good enough. Every one deserves more from me(including Granseur) and I can't seem to deliver.