I must pump a lot!

Hmmm....

Yes, he's wonderful!

I have the most wonderful husband in the world. He is my best friend and my true partner in everything.

After a particularly rough night (Samuel screamed for 9 hours straight except for the portion of that time that he had feedings) and lots of tears on my part, Granseur surprised me with flowers and a gift certificate for a massage. He even called my OB to make sure that a massage was okay this soon after delivery.

He also knows I've been very sad about the whole breastfeeding thing and he took the time to look up stuff that might help. He just wants me to be happy and is perfectly okay with me formula feeding or trying breastfeeding longer.... whatever will make me happiest.... but I just love that he is trying so hard to support whatever I want to do. * We did end up ordering the herbs to help but its still going badly.*

I love that he's involved and such a good dad. One of the twins is ALWAYS up and unhappy. For instance, last night Samuel was upset from 1:00 a.m.to 4:00 a.m. but then went to sleep. Anderson thought then that 4:00 a.m. to 7:30 a.m. would be a great time to be fussy. Agh! Since this is the case, Granseur and I take shifts at night. I usually go to bed around 9:30 (I try to go earlier but it just never works out) and Granseur takes care of the twins until about 1:00... then that's when I take over. If I didn't have his help, I would NEVER sleep.

He even took Anderson, Samuel, and Audrey out one Saturday morning after I only slept 2.5 hours total the night before so that I could have a morning nap. How great is he?! I love him so much and feel so blessed to have him as my husband.

He also wrote me a little note on our dry erase board in the kitchen. It says, "Shannon, I love you so much and am proud to have the most hard working, loving, and beautiful wife to be the mother of my three children. Love, Your thankful husband."

I just had to brag. He's amazing!

I thought she was dead!

Since the boys have arrived Roger and Sally (my in-laws) have been gracious enough to hire help for me during the weekdays for a while. A lot of times the helper will entertain Audrey while I'm feeding babies or doing stuff inside the house. This particular day the babysitter took Audrey outside to walk around, play on the swing, go on a stroller ride, etc. I was inside the house upstairs and I thought I heard yelling. I listened closer and I did hear yelling! It sounded like someone yelling for help. I immediately RAN down the stairs and checked out the front door first. No one was there. I ran to the back and as I was running out the door I saw a large bell (the bell was here when we moved in) toppled over and Audrey's feet sticking out and NO CRYING! I also saw the babysitter trying to lift the bell up. I thought she was dead! ... especially since I didn't hear crying. In the few seconds it took me to run down there I was just picturing me not being able to lift the bell off of Audrey and preparing myself to see her mangled or her head crushed in and having to call 911.

As I got to them I saw that Audrey was NOT underneath the bell. She was just sitting on the ground right behind it. What I saw earlier was Audrey's legs sticking out and the bell is so large that even though Audrey was sitting up, the bell hid her torso from my line of vision. She was fine. I then looked at the babysitter because I thought she must have yelled for some reason....surely not everyone could be okay. I thought maybe her foot was caught or something but it wasn't. She was fine, too. I picked up Audrey off of the ground and then the babysitter let go of the bell.

I asked what happened and she said that she was letting Audrey walk around and that she rung the bell for Audrey and then Audrey wanted to do it, too. Audrey pulled on the rope and the thing toppled over! It was on a stump and I guess unstable. She apologized over and over but it was a true accident. I would have never thought that thing would topple over especially with only little hands pulling on it.

The babysitter said that she saw it start to topple over so she pushed Audrey out of the way and tried to catch the bell so it wouldn't roll any further and land or roll on Audrey. She said she didn't move Audrey out of the way because she didn't think she had time! Then she yelled for me. I thought she did perfectly! The thing is.... she's only 14 years old! I thought that was VERY smart of her to push Audrey out of the way...I mean she only had a moment to react to the situation! And I thought it was very mature of her to yell for me instead of trying to cover up what happened since everyone was okay and that she continued to try to hold the bell until I heard her and came out!

I still can't get out of my head how very close Audrey was to getting seriously injured or dying! I have never felt so scared in my entire life. Scared doesn't even fully describe what I was feeling. I don't think there's a word for it!

To give you an idea of how big and heavy this bell is, there's a picture below. Can you imagine that falling on a child?! Needless to say.... we're moving it!

All I could think about after that was how grateful I was to still have Audrey here with us and was aware of how your whole life could change in just a moment. I had to hold her extra tight that day! I love her so much.

Guilt

Something I feel a lot of lately is guilt. Breastfeeding is not going well. In the hospital, Samuel lost too much weight and we had to supplement him with formula. I am adamant about breastfeeding. It is obviously the best for your child and who wouldn't want the best for their children? Despite my determination, it still does not change that my milk supply is horrible. It is apparently due to my PCOS. I also struggled breastfeeding Audrey. I stuck with it for her but in effort to try to boost my supply I would pump for 10-15 minutes after each and every feeding. The little that I would get in those sessions I used to supplement her. One night she was very fussy at the breast so I had Granseur bottle feed her stored breast milk. That night she had 10 oz. and after pumping for 30 minutes while he did that, I only got 2 oz.! Breastfeeding Audrey only lasted about 4 months (my goal was a year) and then I pumped and made sure she had at least a bottle a day until she was 6 months old.

So right now with Samuel and Anderson I am exclusively pumping and bottle feeding them what I can of my breast milk and then supplementing them with formula. I hate it. I feel like I'm not giving them as much of an advantage as I gave Audrey and I know breastfeeding will end much sooner than it did with Audrey as well. I have tried tandem feeding but I will do it for an hour and then they both STILL want about 2 oz. of formula even after that! I have tried breastfeeding one while bottle feeding the other and that went horribly. So right now the thing that seems to work best is me pumping and then bottle feeding both at the same time. Finding time to pump is hard though, too. I pump for 20 minutes but when you include washing time of all the pieces and set up, etc.... the whole thing takes about 30 minutes. Well, I have three kids and one is ALWAYS screaming or needing me for something. It kills me when I'm pumping and Audrey comes up and wants me to read a book to her or one of the babies is crying in the middle of the night and I'm attached to the pump. So if I don't pump, my milk supply will dip even further, but if I do pump someone always seems to be neglected! I really feel torn about what to do and feel major guilt that I can't do everything!

In addition to my frustration with breastfeeding, I also feel badly about not spending as much time with Audrey. The babies take up a lot of my time and I don't have a free hand or anything while I'm feeding them or pumping. Then on the rare occasion that both babies are sleeping at the same time, Granseur will try to take Audrey for me so that I can try to get in a nap. Then I feel guilty for taking a nap because I'm missing out on more time with her! I'm going to try to take over bath time instead of Granseur doing it so I can at least have that time with her or have Granseur take over one evening feeding so I can walk Audrey around outside and play on the swing or something. The only thing that's difficult about that is she LOVES her daddy. I mean really loves him. Whenever we go somewhere and one of us has to run into a store to get something, I'm always the one who goes in because she cries and cries and cries when her daddy leaves, but if I leave, she doesn't really care. So I don't know how that's going to go. She will probably want to stay with daddy and not go out with me.

Anyway...all over I feel guilty. I feel like I'm not able to give enough to all of my children even though I'm trying my hardest....its not good enough. Every one deserves more from me(including Granseur) and I can't seem to deliver.

The boys are here!

On Tuesday, June 23rd Granseur and I left our house at 5:00 a.m. to head to the hospital for my scheduled induction. I was 38 weeks and 3 days pregnant. We got to the hospital around 6:00 a.m. While we were on our way there I was already having contractions on my own about 11 minutes apart.

We got set up in our room and by the time I got my ultrasound done, (to make sure that in fact Baby B had not turned head down) epidural, monitors, pitocin started, etc. it was about 10:30. I had the sweetest nurse! :) Her name is Suzy and we went to college together. We lived on the same hall my freshman year. I just happened to see her one day while I was getting a NST done ( I had several of those since I was pregnant with twins) and recognized her. She said that if she saw me on the schedule, she would try to be my nurse for that day and she was! She was wonderful.

After I had my epidural I felt MUCH more comfortable and was able to relax and visit with Granseur. Around 3:30 or 4:00 I noticed that my epidural wasn't working as well. I got another bolus and started to feel better again. This epidural was MUCH different than the one I had with Audrey. With Audrey I couldn't feel or move my legs at all. In fact, after she was born, the nurse handed me Audrey and I started to fall off the bed and did not have the muscle control to catch myself. Luckily Granseur caught me! This time around I was concerned the epidural wasn't working properly since I could move my legs since that's the experience I had before. They said this was fine. I still can't believe how different this birth was than Audrey's. I could actually feel pressure down there.

After I got my extra bolus, the nurse checked me and I was ready to go! All we had to do now was wait on an OR. We were doing the delivery in the OR even though I planned on a vaginal birth since Baby B was breech. The plan was to deliver Baby A who was head down and then do an external version on Baby B and deliver him head first as well. In case things didn't go as planned and I needed an emergency c-section, we would already be in the right room.

Finally it was time to be wheeled to the OR. I had been laughing and fine the whole day but at that moment I started crying on the way down the hall. My thoughts consumed me. My life was about to be forever changed. I couldn't believe my twin boys were going to be here soon and I would be a mom of three. I was VERY nervous about the delivery since I didn't know how it was going to go. I wanted my babies to be okay. *I'm crying all over again now thinking about it all.* I couldn't believe that after our struggle with infertility our family would finally be complete and I cried because I felt so blessed! How many people never overcome their infertility to start a family?! and yet here I was .... so lucky. There were many reasons for my tears and I just couldn't hold it all in anymore.

We got in the room and I was laid on the table which felt extremely narrow. I didn't want to fall off! After only a few minutes everyone was ready and it was time for me to push. I pushed once and my OB made a face of almost disbelief and said "Okay, stop!" I was worried at first but then I saw that everyone was REALLY on alert then and he started suiting up to deliver the first baby. I guess he didn't think it was going to go that fast! Ha! I may have pushed only once or twice more, I can't remember, but Baby A was out! (I'm still calling them Baby A and Baby B because at that point we still had not decided on names.) He cried and it was wonderful. He was born at 4:59 p.m. I was so happy to see him and hear him but I also knew I wasn't finished and this would be the scary part!

My doctor started to perform the external version and the feeling was so strange. I could literally feel the baby turning inside of me. He didn't get very far though and said, "Oh...Shannon...I feel feet. This baby has to come out now and breech." Then I really started to cry. I was so nervous! We were warned about entrapment and possible neurological defects. My OB didn't seem too concerned about those possibilities because I had delivered a larger baby before (Audrey was 8 pounds, 6 oz.) and she was delivered face up meaning that her head never crushed so she could come out. I had purposely picked this doctor to do my induction as well because when I had been going to the hospital all the time for my NSTs all the nurses seemed to really like this doctor and he is comfortable doing versions and delivering babies breech. Most other doctors would have ordered an automatic c-section which I did not want. I would have been fine with one if need be but didn't want that to be my only option. Anyway, I was nervous for my baby and was hoping I had not made the wrong decision regarding going this route. I had even told my Dr. that if the version couldn't be done successfully I wanted a c-section for the second baby because I was concerned about the health of my child...but apparently there was no time for that and I had to deliver this way.

Once again, the epidural this time was SO different. I could feel everything with both children being born. I could feel when the doctor pulled his arm out and I could feel his head still in there and I could feel the rest of him come out. It was very strange, but I am glad that I got to experience it. Luckily Baby B came out very quickly and safely! He was born only 3 minutes after his brother at 5:02 p.m. He scared me at first because he did not cry right away but the doctor took him after showing him to me and he started crying. I couldn't believe it was over and my boys were here and I didn't have to have a c-section. Once again.... I would have had a c-section if that's what was best for my child but I wanted to try to do it this way since I now have three kids under a year and a half old and stairs at home. If I was able, I wanted a quick recovery so I could keep up with it all.

Granseur was so wonderful during the whole thing. He encouraged me, comforted me, and held my hand. I would have been an absolute wreck without him.

Now for their names..... Baby A is Samuel Jonathan. We chose Samuel after the story of Hannah in the Bible. We chose Jonathan after Granseur's brother who passed away in 2003. Baby B is Anderson Granseur. Anderson is just a name that I like and its also a family name on my side. Granseur because its a unique name. We didn't want it to be lost in generations to come but we also didn't want a Jr. so it is his middle name.

Now for pictures! :)

Just arrived at the hospital. One of my very last pregnant pictures.

My breakfast - a popsicle. I was SO hungry and that's all I could have.

Waiting

Final hours of rest!

Contractions and heartbeats


Getting ready to go!

Samuel Jonathan born at 4:59 - 6 pounds, 14 ounces.

Anderson Granseur born at 5:02 - 6 pounds, 15 ounces.

Holding Samuel

Admiring both babies.

How did he get so good at this already?! He's comforting both babies so I can try to get some rest.

Audrey meets her new brothers


Samuel is on the left, Anderson is on the right.

Samuel

Anderson


Going home